The Modern Man by George Carlin

I'm a modern man. A man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free, a diversified, multicultural, post-modern deconstructionist, politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect; I've been up-linked and downloaded; I've been inputted and outsourced; and all the upside of downsizing and all the downside of upgrading. I'm a high-tech lowlife, a cutting-edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I'm new wave but I'm old school, and my inner child is outward bound. I'm a hot-wired, heat-seekin’, warm hearted cool customer, voice activated and biodegradable. I interface with my database and my database is in cyberspace. I'm interactive and I'm hyperactive and from time to time I'm radioactive.

Behind the 8-ball, ahead of the curve, ridin’ the wave, dodgin’ the bullet, pushin’ the envelope; I'm on-point, on-task, on-message and off drugs. I got no need for coke and speed. I got no urge to binge and purge. I'm in the moment, on the edge, over the top but under the radar; a high-concept low-profile medium-range ballistic missionary; a street-wise smart-bomb; a top gun bottom feeder.

I wear power ties, I tell utter lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps. I'm a totally on-going big-foot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach. I'm a raging workaholic, a working rage-aholic - out of rehab and in denial.

I got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can't shut me up, you cant dumb me down coz I'm tireless and I'm wireless. I'm an alpha male on beta blockers.

I'm a non-believer and an overachiever; laid back but fashion forward; up front down home, low-rent, high maintenance; super sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built-to-last. I'm a hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk, head case; prematurely post-traumatic.

But I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing; a supportive, bonding, nurturing, primary-care giver. My output is down but my income is up. I take a short position on a long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash-flow.

I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, and I watch trash sports. I'm gender-specific, capital intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex, I like tough love. I use the F word in my email and the software in my hard drive is hard core - no soft porn. I eat fast food on the slow lane. I'm toll-free, bite-size and ready to wear and I come in all sizes.

A fully-equipped, factory authorized, hospital tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle. I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated; freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I'm a rude dude but I'm the real deal; lean and mean; cocked, locked and ready to rock; rough tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, go with the flow I ride with the tide, I got glide in my stride. Drivin’ and movin’ sailin’ and spinnin’, jivin’ and goovin’, wailin’ and winnin’. I don’t snooze so I don’t lose; I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time. I’m hangin’ in, there ain’t no doubt, and I’m hangin’ tough, - over and out.